


Tennessee Rain

by squintyangelcas



Series: Destiel Songfics [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, I am so sorry, I'm sure Cas will be back, Love Confessions, M/M, Please Don't Hate Me, Season/Series 14 Spoilers, This is really sad, Wow, but don't worry, the empty is gonna fuck everything up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 04:47:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16947276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squintyangelcas/pseuds/squintyangelcas
Summary: Set just after 14x08. Tennessee Rain is one of my favorite songs, and when 14x08 aired, I couldn't help but think about Castiel's happiness and the "I don't love you" part of the song. Sorry for the angst! Enjoy!





	Tennessee Rain

**_You never see it coming. It happens all of a sudden, and when it finally hits you, it’s too late…_ **

 

“I want you to suffer. I want you to go back to your normal life and forget about this, and forget about me, and then when you finally give yourself permission to be happy and let the sun shine on your face… That’s when I’ll come. That’s when I’ll come to drag you to nothing.”

 

The words echoed in Castiel’s head with every step he took as he returned to Sam, Dean, and Jack. How could he go on, knowing his fate? How could he attempt to love these people, wholeheartedly, knowing he would be ripped away from him in an instant if he did? He had to make it work; he couldn’t just leave. It wouldn’t be fair to them. Then again, when had this life they lived ever been fair?

 

He had sworn Jack to secrecy. With promises of chocolate and nougat candy bars and more driving lessons, Castiel knew the boy wouldn’t utter a word of his deal to Sam and Dean—at least not yet. There would be a time in which all would have to be revealed, but Castiel wanted to spare his friends of the worry… the bargaining… That would all come later.

 

**_He just sat there in the silence, on his own private island. I wasn’t ready for the storm about to break. Yesterday, there was no trace of trouble. Now he’s given up more than I can take._ **

 

“You know, you haven’t really told us what it was like,” Dean commented one evening as he shoveled a handful of fries into his mouth. The four of them—Sam, Dean, Castiel, and Jack—sat around one of the tables in the library, pouring over research and food. Dean chewed thoughtfully and swallowed before continuing. “Jack’s Heaven. Meeting Kelly.”

 

Castiel lifted his eyes swiftly to meet Jack’s and then glanced over at Dean before returning his gaze to the ancient book he was holding in his hands. “There’s not much to tell,” he shrugged nonchalantly. “Kelly was grateful to see Jack, and I promised her that I would take care of him.” It was the first time he had spoken in days and after uttering the words, he went silent again.

 

Sam and Dean shared a look, and the eldest Winchester opened his mouth to speak before closing it again. They hadn’t seen Castiel smile in days and were starting to worry. The angel hadn’t been laughing at their jokes, and he hadn’t been cracking his own. Hell, he hadn’t even smiled upon seeing Jack alive and well.  Years ago, this would have been normal, but now? Dean would be lying if he said he wasn’t bothered.

 

**_He said, “Hold on tight; it’s gonna be a heck of a night. Especially when you hear what I’ve got to say.” And when he said, “I don’t love you.”, the first tear broke through. Now it’s comin’ down like a Tennessee rain._ **

 

“Cas,” Dean stood in the entryway of the library and glared over at his friend with his arms crossed over his chest. He had been yelling for days, with no avail. Castiel gave zero inclination that he was listening to, or even hearing, Dean’s words. He refused to speak to anyone, and even worse, he refused to look anyone. Instead, he poured over articles and ancient books, looking for answers that Dean didn’t even have questions for. “Whatever this is,” Dean waved his hand. “Whatever it is you’re going through, we can fix it. You don’t have to go through it alone, man.”

 

The silence was deafening, and Dean couldn’t take it anymore. He stepped over to the table and slammed his hands down. Castiel’s head snapped up and with wide eyes, he stared up at Dean. “C’mon, Cas,” Dean begged softly, swallowing as he stared down at his best friend. “I love you, okay? Look, you know I’m not the type to just come out and say that, but if that’s what you need in order to get through this, then I’ll say it until the sun goes down. I love you, and I refuse to watch you waste away to nothing.”

 

Castiel’s jaw tightened as he listened to Dean. He wasn’t wasting away to nothing. In fact, he had everything he needed right here in the Bunker. He had a family, and he had the man he had loved for the better part of ten years. Yet, he was miserable. He was forcing himself to be unhappy. “Dean,” he whispered lowly, shaking his head. He was silent and still for a moment before finally standing up. “I don’t love you.”

 

Dean was stunned. That wasn’t the reaction he was looking for and as he turned to watch Castiel walk away, he could feel the burning in his eyes.

 

**_Nobody showed me, nobody told me, what to do when the story turned out wrong or, how a heart does its mending without the perfect ending._ **

 

Time was meaningless to Castiel at this point. All he had now were the four walls of his room in the Bunker. Room 15 was what he had been reduced to. Cas knew that angels hearts couldn’t break, but he was almost positive that’s what was happening inside his chest. His heart was shattering into a million, tiny pieces, and there was nothing he could do to fix it. Not if he wanted to be here to watch the people he loved live their lives, and God, he loved Dean so much that sometimes, he forgot what hating himself felt like.

 

This is what he deserved.

 

**_The one I always thought would come along, he had his own ideas of where this love was going. He wasn’t leaving it up to the hands of fate._ **

 

Dean was disappointed, but not surprised. Castiel didn’t love him. How could he? He was an almost-forty-something with nothing to his name but a GED, a few flannel shirts, and a sexuality so repressed that his picture was probably in the dictionary next to the term. He barely had his ‘give ‘em hell’ attitude anymore. He did have a decent alcohol collection, though.

 

This is what he deserved.

 

**_He just said, “Hold on tight, it’s gonna be a heck of a night, especially when you hear what I’ve got to say.”._ **

 

“Jack,” Sam whispered softly, staring down at the bottle of beer he had gripped tightly in his hands. He swallowed again before speaking. “What do you mean, he made a deal?”

 

It didn’t take long for Jack to explain to the brothers exactly what occurred in Heaven, on the day he died and then came back, in true Winchester fashion. “He made me promise not to tell,” Jack looked defeated, but perked up a bit when Dean clapped him on the shoulder.

 

“You did the right thing, kid,” Dean grunted with a sigh. How were they going to get out of this? The hunter stood up and stepped into the hall, where he followed the signs that lead him to Room 15. When he arrived, he rapped on the door three times to make his presence known before sinking down and settling against the concrete floor. He leaned his back against the hardwood and was listened for signs of life.

 

“I didn’t get the chance to tell you why I love you the other day,” Dean whispered softly, tilting his head back against the door and stared up at the tile on the wall across from him. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but I need to say it, Cas. We can get through this, we always do. Screw the Empty. She can’t have you, because you’re mine, man.”

 

Castiel was silent as he climbed down from his spot on the bed and sat against the door, wanting to be as close to Dean as possible without the hunter knowing about it. _Tell me,_ he begged silently. _Tell me why you love me, Dean, because I can’t find reasons to love myself right now._

 

“In the beginning, you were so damn selfish, man,” Dean laughed softly, shaking his head. He hoped Castiel was listening to him this time. “When I pray to you, you still hear me. Even after all these years, you still let me in.”

 

_I should have stopped letting you in years ago._

 

“You’ve sacrificed everything, time and time again, to keep our family together.”

 

_Our family._

 

When Dean finally heard Castiel speak, his eyes began to burn with tears.

 

**_And when he said, “I don’t love you.”, the first tear broke through, and now it’s comin’ down like a Tennessee rain._ **

 

“I don’t know how this works,” Castiel whispered, staring down at his hands as he folded them in his lap. “Don’t think, for a second, that…” He couldn’t allow the words to leave his lips.  


“That you don’t love me?” Dean turned his head, even though he knew Castiel couldn’t see him through the hardwood door they were both leaning against.

 

“No,” Castiel spoke flatly, shaking his head. Of course he loved Dean, but admitting that love meant admitting the happiness he felt when he saw the man smile. When he heard his laugh. When he looked into his eyes. When he made stupid jokes and drove his stupid car. When he cooked food and took care of their family. When he boasted about how well he did on a hunt. When he placed his hand on Cas’ shoulders, and when...

 

Castiel cracked a smile and, just as quickly, his smile faltered.

 

**_It’s comin’ down harder than a Tennessee rain._ **

 

“Cas?” Dean turned around and stared at the door when he heard the splutters… the coughs… and then the rattles of Castiel’s chest as he went silent. “Cas!” Dean quickly stood up and jiggled the doorknob, cursing when it didn’t turn. He braced himself as he slammed his body against the door, almost choking when it shards of wood shattered around him and he saw the angel, laying on the floor, clutching his chest.

 

_The mixtape you gave me is in my truck. I will never stop listening to it. Because it makes me happy to hear the songs you love._

 

“Dean,” Castiel spluttered, his eyes wide as he stared up at Dean. Not now not like this. He didn’t want Dean to be here to see him die. Not again.

 

_Your picture is in the pocket of my coat, and when I miss you and you aren’t praying, it gives me the strength I need to carry on. Just like you told me to do, Dean. I carried on for you, because seeing you happy made me happy._

 

“No, Cas,” Dean growled softly, kneeling down next to Castiel’s body and gripping his shoulders, giving him a good shake. “I need you to fight through this. You’re stronger than this!”

 

_I carved my initials next to yours and Sam’s on the table in the library. I didn’t ask permission, because I didn’t need it. Being part of this family has made me the happiest man in the world, and after I’m gone, I need you to remember that I was here. I need you to find a way to be happy._

 

Castiel was listening, but he couldn’t hear what Dean was saying. Instead, every moment they spent together was playing like a movie in his head. The first time he laid his hand on Dean’s shoulder in hell was the memory that damned him. That was when he fell in love. That was when he fell from Heaven and began to disobey direct orders.

 

_Don’t fall in love with Dean Winchester._

 

He had fallen in love with Dean Winchester, and the happiness he felt admitting that was blissful and beautiful, and Castiel couldn’t bring himself to be sad.

 

_I watched you rake leaves, and it made me happy. It’s incredible how something so small can leave such a mark on one’s memories._

 

“I love you,” Castiel reached up to touch Dean’s cheek, his thumb grazing along the stubble. He couldn’t help but smile. He was so warm, and he felt safe in Dean’s arms, despite the pain that was coursing through his chest.

 

_I have loved you since the first time your name was uttered in Heaven._

 

It happened in an instant after that. Everything went dark, and Dean was left holding the empty vessel of a man who had given up everything for him.

 

“I love you, too, Cas.”


End file.
